Superbowl Commercials 2013: The 5 Best, The 5 Worst

Wow, this was one bad year for Super Bowl commercials. Between the EXCESSIVE amount of CBS commercials, the weird new trend in ‘Serious Black’ beer and the forty minute long epic poem about farmers I had a real hard time boiling it down to just five. (Good thing I had an extra 35 minutes to think about it after halftime). Here’s my breakdown of the five worst and five best Super Bowl commercials this year:

BOTTOM 5

#5 - Pepsi Next - ‘Party’
So if I drink Pepsi Next I’ll do things like pour milk on my head, jump through windows, trash my house and become a negligent father? Oh man, I can’t wait until the morning after this party when the dad wakes up realizing the Pepsi Next can was spiked with Molly as he picks up the pieces of his life and sends Brandon to boarding school. And, by the way, didn’t anyone notice at the end of the commcerical when their CAT GOT KILLED by the duct tape guy?

#4 - Century 21 - ‘The Wedding’
“Dude, I come to your wedding, I buy you a gift and now you’re gonna make me work? I’m using vacation days for this shit and you’re gonna make me find a home before the ceremony is over because your pre-pubescent husband mis-interpreted an innocent line from your mother? You know what, I’m outta here, I don’t care if there is an open bar at the reception.” That’s what should’ve happened anyway.

#3 - Sketchers - ‘Man vs. Cheetah’
Was this commercial bad enough to land on this list? No. The only problem is the ‘running down a Cheetah’ idea was used in a commercial two Super Bowls ago. I don’t like joke stealers! At least they didn’t try to rehash the CareerBuilder.Com monkeys which was just trying to ride the coattails of the eTrade monkey before them.

#2 - Go Daddy - ‘Perfect Match’
You guys know how people only buy web domains when they’re vomiting? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what GoDaddy thought when they created this abhorrent mini-snuff film they call a ‘commercial’.
Apparently Bar Rafaeli represents ‘sexy’ and Walter represents ‘smart’. Which means Danica Patrick and GoDaddy are saying Bar Rafaeli is dumb before forcing her to make out with a monster in front of 700 million people. Oh man, I can’t wait to buy a web domain now!

#1 - Coke - ‘The Chase’
So let me get this straight? Some showgirls in a van, an Arab camel man, a biker gang and some cowboys are trapped in the desert, they see a giant bottle of coke and now we get to vote who wins? Well, I went to the website to vote but was dissapointed to find out that ‘Who gives a shit’ was not an option. Turns out the Showgirls won because of an inexplicably distracting goose statue. Great. I feel bad for the camel guy who probably was just trying to go home when a bunch of American loud-asses came and upset his camel. Way to be dicks America.

TOP 5

#5 - Hyundai - ‘Team’ & Audi - ‘Prom’
Everyone loves rooting for the underdog! Which is why no one cared who won this year’s SuperBowl. But these two commercials provided us with the feeling of redemption we needed.

#4 - Wheat Thins - ‘Night Vision’
It’s becoming sort of a comedy trope in commercials that ‘the dumb husband’ archetype now has his dumb ideas redeemed. This Wheat Thins commercial executed that concept well. And plus it grabbed everyone’s attention when the screen went black.

#3 - Budweiser - ‘The Brotherhood’
No, I’m not crying! Shut up! It’s just a stupid beer commercial! But goddammit ANIMALS DO HAVE SOULS! Ohh, I’m so alone.

#2 - Axe Body Spray - ‘Nothing Beats an Astronaut’
I was surprised, okay? And it was one of the few commercials that had a ‘laugh out loud’ moment from the party I was watching the game with. Look I don’t have to prove anything to you people! Leave me alone!

#1 - Oreo - ‘Whisper Fight’
This may have been the only commercial that knew what they were doing in terms of a comedy sketch. This commercial proves that you don’t have to have a famous person and you don’t have to rely on the current trends of what’s funny like, ‘man with beard’, or ‘man with moustache’ to have a good commercial. It’s no coincidence that the best Superbowl commercials from the past two years (‘Dog Loses Weight’ and ‘The Force Volkswagen Kid’) didn’t have cameos or cheap gimmicks. There’s no replacement for good writing! OREO!

Overrated

Doritos - ‘Fashionista Daddy’ & ‘Goat 4 Sale’ - Just because you have an animal or a man with a beard in your commercial doesn’t make it funny. Last year Doritos tried to trick us into thinking their commercial was funny by using a baby. Don’t be fooled!

Honorable Mention

Allstate - ‘Apple’ - Gotta give Allstate props for ‘tackling’ the replacement refs debaucle during a Super Bowl ad.

Samsung - ‘The Next Big Thing’ - This was funny because Bob Odenkirk, Paul Rudd, and Seth Rogan are funny. The concept was ‘meh’.

Yelp! Review: Tom’s Diner

• Tom’s Diner
• 782 Washington Ave (between Sterling Pl & Lincoln Pl)
• Brooklyn, NY 10014
• Neighborhood: Prospect Heights

This place is so average! Anyone who says this is more than a regular diner is a delusional psychopath who’s kids will all go to state schools.

FILTHY: Walking into this diner is like walking into your eccentric aunt’s attic if she had died and no one remembered. It’s like they were in a contest for dustiest wall decor in the novelty plate division.

SQUEEZE: I came with 6 people. After waiting 30 minutes we got a table that was big enough for maybe one small dog if it was a child. I felt like a fat person shopping at H&M. This place just didn’t fit me. 

MENUS: Once we sat down a man came by after 5 minutes and said, ‘Do you want menus?’ I’m not sure if he worked there or if we were even in a restaurant at this point. 

BLUEBERRIES: They told me they had no blueberries for my pancakes. So I got strawberries instead. Then as I was leaving I saw several people with blueberry pancakes! Now I know what it’s like to be a woman in Iran!

EGGS: If you like well-done eggs you’ll still hate these eggs because they are burnt. It’s as if they took good eggs from another restaurant and set them on fire. These eggs were so brown they could’ve been the victim of a hate crime.

FINAL SCORE: The WNBA

Link to review here.

Self-Deportation Instructional Video

Here’s a video from the last Great American Sketch Show on self-deportation.

Mary Matalin Slams Democrats for Ruining America

I know Mitt Romney has conceded defeat in his bid for Presidency but I still think it’s too close to declare an official winner. After all, if Florida falls Romney’s way then the election will move from ‘landslide’ to ‘thrashing’, and that’s one step closer to ‘undeniable loss’.

Other Republican pundits including CNN contributor – and Jane Lynch character inspiration – Mary Matalin are beginning to wade through the stages of grief and have now moved from denial to anger.

On The Situation Room yesterday, Matalin was engaged in a debate with Democractic pundit Van Jones in which she declared:

“[Obama’s] campaign was marked by malice, mendacity it was full of division and derision and destruction and distraction and distortion.”

That’s right. And if she wasn’t cut off she would have gone into negative words that begin with ‘E’. He was erroneous and egregious and elementary and empanada-loving.

The point is, Mary is right! Obama’s campaign only succeeded in driving this country further apart. And now the only thing we can do to bring this country together is to demonize the person 51% of people voted for.

Because now that Obama is President there is no hope for America, as Mary points out:

“I don’t see how anyone would trust him, even Democrats. He has no mandate for anything.”

See? You can’t trust Obama. How can you trust a candidate who doesn’t have a mandate for anything? At least with Romney you could tell his stance on an issue just by knowing the stance of whoever he’s talking to at the time.

But Barack Obama’s mandate is narrowly-focused and malicious as Mary aptly stated:

“[Obama] didn’t have any other issues mandated other than free contraception and taxing the rich. Van it was a campaign of platitudes and pap and it was divisive and it was destructive.”

That’s right. The only thing the President cares about is free contraceptives and taxing the rich. And once we allow those two things to happen this nation will be nothing but a bunch of fairly taxed, condom using liberals. And what’s the point of even using contraceptives in a country like that? Because I don’t know about you but there’s nothing that kills my mood quicker than income equality.

Even with Mary’s articulate and controlled argument Van Jones just didn’t get it:

“My hope is that we can get past the vitriol and find common ground. Mitt Romney sounded a much better tone than you just did right now, Mary.”

To which Mary responded:

“I don’t care what you think Van. I’m proud of Mitt Romney, he’s a gentelman, he’s courageous he ran a campaign of conviction and he should be proud of himself. Unlike the Democrats who have really excelled at the politics of personal destruction.”

That’s right Van. Mary doesn’t care what you think. She also doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Because if she did she’d be too embarrassed to go on television.

And these Democrats should be ashamed of themselves. Their campaign has been completely focused on personal destruction. Like when they focused on not saying anything when Mitt Romney threw 47% of Americans under the bus. Or when they focused on silently watching Romney’s foreign policy gaffes in every country he visited in July. Or when they focused on hearing but, not commenting when Mitt Romney told Latinos to self-deport.

That’s right Democrats. You stood idly by while Mitt Romney destroyed his own chances over and over again like a one-dimensional character in a children’s cartoon. And the only way your actions would have been remotely acceptable to Republicans is if you ran this campaign like a gentleman, and lost.

Watch the debate here:

Romney Attempts to Prove his Empathy by Attacking the Last Empathetic Thing He Did

Mitt Romney has been receiving a lot of flak from the Liberal gotcha-razi after he was secretly recorded throwing 47% of Americans under the bus for wanting food for their families. Well now Romney’s out to set the record straight by demonstrating how he’s got more empathy than a 16 year old girl after watching an animal abuse infomercial:

Don’t forget, I got everybody in my state insured. One hundred percent of the kids in our state had health insurance. I don’t think there’s anything that shows more empathy and care about the people of this country than that kind of record.

That’s right. Attempting to insure everyone shows great empathy. It is the type of initiative that a truly compassionate politician would support. Which is why in a campaign speech 40 minutes later Romney supported the opposite of that:

You see, Obamacare is really Exhibit No. 1 of the president’s political philosophy, and that is that government knows better than people how to run your lives. It is a view that government should stand between you and your doctor. I don’t believe in a bigger and bigger government…I believe in freedom.

That’s right, Romney believes in freedom. Like the freedom to die in a field or a street. I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of the government stepping in and attempting to give everyone medical care. If people want to sink into unmanageable debt before eventually being discarded to suffer from their untreated diseases they should have that choice.

And it’s empathetic, left-leaning politicians who want to take away that choice. Politicians like Mitt Romney who five minutes later said:

Now and then the president says I’m the grandfather of Obamacare. I don’t think he meant that as a compliment but I’ll take it…I’m proud of the fact that in my state, after our plan was put in place, every child has insurance, 98 percent of adults have insurance.

Obviously there is a conflict in ideas here. On the one hand Mitt Romney wants to seem empathetic, on the other Mitt Romney wants to win the election. So there really is only one way to settle this once and for all! Which is why I’m proposing an additional Presidential debate that focuses on the issue of healthcare. This debate will feature Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney versus Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney.

The King of Empathy vs. The King of a Private Island in the Cayman’s. The Grandfather of Obamacare vs. The Grandfather of killing grandfathers. I for one cannot wait to see these two duke it out. So I will send out an email to the pro-universal healthcare - Mitt@MittRomney.Com. And the anti-government health option Mitt@MittRomney.Com. I just hope that both candidates agree to attend.