Iran has delivered another blow to the Barbie Insurgency by shutting down toy stores daring to sell the filthy American dolls. For decades these domestic doll terrorists have been infiltrating Iran’s borders! According to Iran’s judiciary Barbie and Ken are “dangerous” and “destructive” like a “Trojan Horse sneaking in Western influences like makeup and revealing clothes.”
What I don’t understand is why children of Iran don’t just use the government approved alternative to Barbie, Iran’s Sara and Dara! I mean these dolls have been around since 2002 and are completely safe from Western influence! Why are the parents of Iran allowing their children to play with something as dangerous as Barbie dolls when Sara and Dara exist!? I mean, just look at the features listed on the packaging and you tell me what the safer choice is for Iran’s young girls:
Dara and Sara - Safe:
Legal to hit her for any reason!
Comes with potential to be publicly stoned to death!
Can be forced into marriage at 13 years old!
Comes with special ‘Women’s Car’ (for grocery shopping use only)
Can be banned from leaving ‘Dara Dream House’
Comes with fully functional switch to deliver lashing.
WARNING: Sara doll not for use outside home. Do not remove clothing from Sara doll. Sara doll must have hair covered at all times. Do not give Sara doll equal education. Do not have Dara doll cook for Sara doll. Do not create an imaginary situation where Sara doll testifies in court. Do not give Sara doll a motorcycle. Do not allow Sara doll to pursue equal education. Not for use by children who are already married.
Barbie - Dangerous:
Domestic Violence Prohibited.
Lacks public stoning feature.
Must agree to marriage.
Needs parental consent to be married under 18.
Not banned from riding motorcycles.
Allowed to leave Dream Home.
WARNING: This product not suitable for children practicing Sharia Law.
I think the choice is clear! Sara and Dara are much safer than Barbie and Ken.
If anyone’s seen me at an open mic recently they already know that I had some beef with Murray’s cheeses. (What a line!) Here’s a very brief audio version of my complaint. (WARNING: The recording is loud, please lower your speakers)
Did you listen? 8PM!!! That’s way too early for a cheese shop to close. So I wrote Murray’s Cheeses a letter. And here it is:
Dear Murray’s Cheeses,
Let me begin by saying I am a huge fan of Murray’s Cheeses. It reminds me of the old country. Back to a time when you could walk down the streets and get more than just spicy ethnic foods. Not that I have anything against ethnic foods or people. Don’t you know that I’m the type of guy that loves all ethnicities? I wouldn’t say anything bad about anyone? Just the food!!! It’s gross. Nothing to do with the people.
But Murray’s Cheeses is right down my alley. I have one problem…and that’s I can’t get enough of your cheeses!!! Ha! Well I can get enough…that was a joke! Too much cheese could be bad for your health even if you love it much more than Thai food! But girls want to go to get Thai food all the time, y’know? Not that this is what I’m writing about! I just wanted you to know that I love your cheeses but I have a problem? It’s a problem that I think you should address? Especially since I am a person that loves Murray’s cheeses? And that ethnic food is more popular than ever?
My problem is Murray’s Cheese closes at 8PM! What kind of time is that for a cheese shop to close! Sometimes I don’t get off work until 7PM and then I don’t have enough time to get any of Murray’s Cheeses! Am I supposed to wake up an hour early for work just to get Murray’s Cheeses? That would mean waking up at 6AM! It’s not even light out at that time! My life would really take a big hit in the sleep department! Although it would be worth it because I love Murray’s Cheeses that much and I really don’t like Italian Tomato food!!!
Murray’s Cheeses should be open until 2AM. That is the perfect time to close. No one wants cheeses after 2AM! Or maybe they do? Maybe that’s a market that you have overlooked? Often in movies a midnight snack involves cheeses?
I would like to be able to go to Murray’s cheeses after I get off work so I can enjoy Havarti cheeses without having to wake up with the raccoons! Ha! That was another joke? I like to make jokes so you know I still will shop at Murray’s cheeses no matter when you close? This isn’t supposed to be a letter where I’m complaining? Only making a suggestion?
Thank you for taking the time to read my request. I appreciate your existence in the world!
Sincerely, Brian
This letter was sent on Saturday afternoon. Still no response! I will let you know when I hear from Murray’s Cheeses.
Newt Gingrich, self-proclaimed legitimate Presidential candidate, has been flexing his muscles in South Carolina by attacking the current Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney. It has proven difficult to attack Romney on the basis political platform and policy because frankly people don’t care about that. But there is one thing that Newt knows everyone in America cares about. Hating French people! And so Newt’s crack political team dug up a YouTube clip from nine years ago of Mitt Romney speaking French one time…Sacrebleu!
It’s a twist ending! Just like an M. Night Shyamalan movie it turns out Mitt Romney spoke French the entire time! There’s no way the American people would stand having a President who is bi-lingual. In fact we prefer Republican candidates who can barely speak one language. But if you’re going to speak two languages please let not the second one be French! The only thing more anti-American than speaking French is speaking MEXICAN!
After two distant fourth place finishes Newt has good reason to spend people’s money showing the world Romney spoke French one time. This transcends one man’s solid fourth place Presidential Primary campaign, this is about protecting the American way of life! Just like the way the French protected the American way of life when they allied with us in the Revolutionary War to defeat the British and thus allow this country to exist at all. Just like that!
Comedian Leo Martin and I have started a podcast where we interview people who hold fringe beliefs, viewpoints, philosophies or conspiracy theories. The first episode is up now where we interviewed a 9/11 Conspiracy Theorist.
Many so-called critics are saying, ‘Bus tour? Didn’t Sarah Palin already try that?.’ To them I say her national bus tour was a self-promoting publicity stunt that only distracted America from tackling real political problems. Herman Cain’s national bus tour is way different. For example, Herman Cain’s larger-than-life-sized bus wrap is red on one side and blue on the other. While Sarah Palin’s bus wrap was more of a sky motif with some spots of green even!
But this isn’t about how big we can make Herman Cain’s face in Photoshop, this is about politics! After all, what better way to focus on America’s political problems than to put a man on a bus with absolutely no political experience who’s only real talent is running a pizza franchise and repetitively cheating on his complacent wife? There is no better way!
This plan is about more than just its ingenious, catchy title (which would be perfect for a pizza commercial), its about change. Cain will be promoting a plan that raises taxes on the poor using a form of transportation that poor people are forced to take….that’s why he used a bus because with this new tax plan everyone who makes less than $200,000 a year should look forward to many more bus trips in the future. What a visionary!
Finally, this bus tour will be launched in conjunction with CainConnections.Com. An online dating website where Herman Cain can find new ladies with whom he can participate in the age old art of infidelity. What? That’s not what the site is about? Oh, it’s just a website where supporters can keep track of the bus tour? Well then I shouldn’t have put ‘single and ready to mingle’ as my CainConnections profile status.
Brian got his comedy chops in Bloomington, Indiana. He moved back to his hometown of NY a new man. A more anxious one. Brian has had some incredibly frustrating situations with women and we talk about them. Listen as we cover being too picky, psychosomatic pains, and winning a bitchslapping contest.
My name is Brian Frange and this is my blog. I am comedian in New York City. You may have seen me at such places as bars or The Magnet Theater from time to time. You can see a video of me doing stand-up here.
