The game was shit, the commercials were shit, I lost $60. It was easier to pick off a pass from Peyton Manning then to pick five good commercials this year. But dammit it’s my annual tradition so here’s my breakdown of the five worst and five best Super Bowl commercials of 2014:
#5 - TurboTax - ‘Love Hurts’ What was this commercial about? Oh taxes. That’s what you were doing with your laptop, alone in the basement, after prom, thinking of the girl you love with another guy. Taxes. Wait, why did you need toilet paper and moisturizer to do taxes?
#4 - Kia - ‘The Matrix’ The commercial was better than the sequels but, 14 years later is too late to save the franchise. Lawrence Fishburne’s singing mouth gave me nightmares.
#3 - Chrysler - ‘America’s Import’ Can’t believe they played Inside Llewyn Davis in it’s entirety during the SuperBowl. That must have cost a fortune.
#2 - Axe Body Spray - ‘Make Love Not War’ An Axe Body Spray commercial about peace? All I have to say is I’ve seen more frat dudes get into fights wearing Axe Body Spray than any other type of deodorant.
#1 - Cure Auto Insurance - ‘Best in the Game’ Don’t you know that most people watching the SuperBowl aren’t even football fans? To 80% of the audience you were just a blue dot yelling at us in our living rooms for no reason. Only Richard Sherman is allowed to do that.
#5 - CarMax - ‘Slow Bark’ Ok, so the slow clap commercial was lame. But did you see the puppy version? Let this be a lesson: Bad Commercial + Dogs Only = Good Commercial.
#4 - Budweiser - ‘Puppy Love’ Animal friend’s that shouldn’t be friends. I CAN’T NOT LOVE THIS. YOUR BEER IS TERRIBLE. GET OFF ME.
#3 - Bud Light - ‘Up for Whatever’ "Wow, I thought this was gonna be terrible." - Everyone in America after the second half of this commercial.
#2 - Chobani Yogurt - ‘Bear Game Day’ Yeah fuck you GMOs! All natural ingredients or a bear will eat your family owned business!
#1 - RadioShack - ‘The Phone Call’ Yes, it’s nostalgia humor. But it was good self-aware comedy from Radio Shack. They got authentic celebrities from the 80s. I liked seeing the California Raisins.
Wow, this was one bad year for Super Bowl commercials. Between the EXCESSIVE amount of CBS commercials, the weird new trend in ‘Serious Black’ beer and the forty minute long epic poem about farmers I had a real hard time boiling it down to just five. (Good thing I had an extra 35 minutes to think about it after halftime). Here’s my breakdown of the five worst and five best Super Bowl commercials this year:
#5 - Pepsi Next - ‘Party’ So if I drink Pepsi Next I’ll do things like pour milk on my head, jump through windows, trash my house and become a negligent father? Oh man, I can’t wait until the morning after this party when the dad wakes up realizing the Pepsi Next can was spiked with Molly as he picks up the pieces of his life and sends Brandon to boarding school. And, by the way, didn’t anyone notice at the end of the commcerical when their CAT GOT KILLED by the duct tape guy?
#4 - Century 21 - ‘The Wedding’ "Dude, I come to your wedding, I buy you a gift and now you’re gonna make me work? I’m using vacation days for this shit and you’re gonna make me find a home before the ceremony is over because your pre-pubescent husband mis-interpreted an innocent line from your mother? You know what, I’m outta here, I don’t care if there is an open bar at the reception." That’s what should’ve happened anyway.
#3 - Sketchers - ‘Man vs. Cheetah’ Was this commercial bad enough to land on this list? No. The only problem is the ‘running down a Cheetah’ idea was used in a commercial two Super Bowls ago. I don’t like joke stealers! At least they didn’t try to rehash the CareerBuilder.Com monkeys which was just trying to ride the coattails of the eTrade monkey before them.
#2 - Go Daddy - ‘Perfect Match’ You guys know how people only buy web domains when they’re vomiting? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what GoDaddy thought when they created this abhorrent mini-snuff film they call a ‘commercial’. Apparently Bar Rafaeli represents ‘sexy’ and Walter represents ‘smart’. Which means Danica Patrick and GoDaddy are saying Bar Rafaeli is dumb before forcing her to make out with a monster in front of 700 million people. Oh man, I can’t wait to buy a web domain now!
#1 - Coke - ‘The Chase’ So let me get this straight? Some showgirls in a van, an Arab camel man, a biker gang and some cowboys are trapped in the desert, they see a giant bottle of coke and now we get to vote who wins? Well, I went to the website to vote but was dissapointed to find out that ‘Who gives a shit’ was not an option. Turns out the Showgirls won because of an inexplicably distracting goose statue. Great. I feel bad for the camel guy who probably was just trying to go home when a bunch of American loud-asses came and upset his camel. Way to be dicks America.
#5 - Hyundai - ‘Team’ & Audi - ‘Prom’ Everyone loves rooting for the underdog! Which is why no one cared who won this year’s SuperBowl. But these two commercials provided us with the feeling of redemption we needed.
#4 - Wheat Thins - ‘Night Vision’ It’s becoming sort of a comedy trope in commercials that ‘the dumb husband’ archetype now has his dumb ideas redeemed. This Wheat Thins commercial executed that concept well. And plus it grabbed everyone’s attention when the screen went black.
#3 - Budweiser - ‘The Brotherhood’ No, I’m not crying! Shut up! It’s just a stupid beer commercial! But goddammit ANIMALS DO HAVE SOULS! Ohh, I’m so alone.
#2 - Axe Body Spray - ‘Nothing Beats an Astronaut’ I was surprised, okay? And it was one of the few commercials that had a ‘laugh out loud’ moment from the party I was watching the game with. Look I don’t have to prove anything to you people! Leave me alone!
#1 - Oreo - ‘Whisper Fight’ This may have been the only commercial that knew what they were doing in terms of a comedy sketch. This commercial proves that you don’t have to have a famous person and you don’t have to rely on the current trends of what’s funny like, ‘man with beard’, or ‘man with moustache’ to have a good commercial. It’s no coincidence that the best Superbowl commercials from the past two years (‘Dog Loses Weight’ and ‘The Force Volkswagen Kid’) didn’t have cameos or cheap gimmicks. There’s no replacement for good writing! OREO!
Doritos - ‘Fashionista Daddy’ & ‘Goat 4 Sale’ - Just because you have an animal or a man with a beard in your commercial doesn’t make it funny. Last year Doritos tried to trick us into thinking their commercial was funny by using a baby. Don’t be fooled!
Allstate - ‘Apple’ - Gotta give Allstate props for ‘tackling’ the replacement refs debaucle during a Super Bowl ad.
Samsung - ‘The Next Big Thing’ - This was funny because Bob Odenkirk, Paul Rudd, and Seth Rogan are funny. The concept was ‘meh’.
Unbelievable Podcast Episode 35: Reptilians vs. Palaedians: The Ultimate Battle! - Brian, Charles and Crystal discuss the epic battle for the awakening of humanity between the Palaedians who wish us to be free, and the Reptilians who wish to farm us like cattle and eat our flesh!
Unbelievable Podcast Episode 33: The Philadelphia Experiment, Montauk Project and the Story of Al Bielek - Brian, Charles and Crystal discuss the story of Al Bielek a regressed infant from 1916 who travelled to the 28th Century to become a tour guide all due to secret government experiments that started during World War II and continue to go on today at a secret underground base in Montauk, Long Island.
782 Washington Ave (between Sterling Pl & Lincoln Pl)
Brooklyn, NY 10014
Neighborhood: Prospect Heights
This place is so average! Anyone who says this is more than a regular diner is a delusional psychopath who’s kids will all go to state schools.
FILTHY: Walking into this diner is like walking into your eccentric aunt’s attic if she had died and no one remembered. It’s like they were in a contest for dustiest wall decor in the novelty plate division.
SQUEEZE: I came with 6 people. After waiting 30 minutes we got a table that was big enough for maybe one small dog if it was a child. I felt like a fat person shopping at H&M. This place just didn’t fit me.
MENUS: Once we sat down a man came by after 5 minutes and said, ‘Do you want menus?’ I’m not sure if he worked there or if we were even in a restaurant at this point.
BLUEBERRIES: They told me they had no blueberries for my pancakes. So I got strawberries instead. Then as I was leaving I saw several people with blueberry pancakes! Now I know what it’s like to be a woman in Iran!
EGGS: If you like well-done eggs you’ll still hate these eggs because they are burnt. It’s as if they took good eggs from another restaurant and set them on fire. These eggs were so brown they could’ve been the victim of a hate crime.