Congress Declares War on Wolves!

A rider has been attached to the hotly debated and controversial budget bill that will take the grey wolf off the endangered species list. Reports state that there are now at least 1,650 wolves in the Northern Rockies and apparently that’s way too many fucking wolves.

Officials in Montana and Idaho are planning public hunts for the predators this fall which led one spokesperson to say, ‘We’re real optimistic and if it does happen we’ll get the word out as to the type of hunt that we might have.’ Right now the top two contenders are, ‘lining them up and shooting them in the back of the head war-crime style’ or simply firebombing them with specially outfitted farm planes.

Sen. Jon Tester (D-Montana) who is responsible for spear-heading the bill said the following, ‘Taking wolves off the endangered species list is the right thing to do for wildlife and it’s the right thing to do for the wolves.’ Yes, that’s right,  the best thing we can do for the wolves is kill wolves. Just try to look at it from the wolves perspective: This time twenty years ago there were only a hundred  wolves around, now there’s thousands! There are long lines at the wolf DMV, it’s harder to get a wolf passport, and quite frankly most of the wolves I know are assholes. Someone should really kill a couple of thousand of us a year.

The action to remove wolves from the Endangered Species List was included in a rider attached to the heated Congressional budget measure. I assume the debate went something like this, ‘We need to curb spending!  We cannot afford a government shutdown when our economy is so fragile. Also, fuck wolves.’

This whole incident begs the question, why is Congress removing an animal from the Endangered Species List? Shouldn’t that be decided by scientists and environmentalists who’s sole task in life is to study issues such as this? Well the answer to that is a flat, ‘no.’ Congress is elected to represent the people and that includes scientists. This entitles our government to make decisions on issues they know absolutely nothing about. That’s why Congress has the amazing ability to make quick decisions on topics ranging from space programs to the rules of baseball to yes, wolf populations.

Here’s a picture of the wolves people in Montana and Idaho plan to murder with guns: