Birthers Face Identity Crisis: What Do We Do Now?

Written by William Burg, Attorney Who Filed Birther Lawsuits

I am a Birther. Today, in what has to be the single most startling revelation America has faced since McCarthy ousted Charlie Chaplin as a Communist, The Savior Barack Hussein Osama has somehow produced a complete and official Birth Certificate.  Many would now say to us Birthers, ‘the game is over, pack your bags and go home.’ To them I say: Just because Bodunk Ochina has produced empirical evidence disproving my claims, effectively making the last two years of my life irrelevant, does not mean that I will go away. I’m still inexplicably angry, and I have nothing else to do!

Some may think that Birthers are just racist, prejudiced bigots who are angry that the US elected anyone other than a white male President. But we are much more than just that. We have a wide-ranging platform that addresses all the relevant political and cultural issues of our time. I’d like to clear the air right now. Presented for the approval of the midnight society I give you: ‘The Birther Manifesto/Doctrine/Platform’.

ISSUE 1: The Wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya
First and foremost I’d like to dedicate a line to saying, ‘God Bless the Troops’. They are fighting overseas, risking their lives for our freedom. I pray every night that God grants each and every white, straight, Christian troop safety and success.

Why are we wasting our time trying to sort out the problems of a bunch of camel jockeys in the middle of hell? Simple, Barack ‘Hussein’ Obama is a Muslim. He’s trying to protect his pagan brethren. You will be hard pressed to convince me that a man named ‘Hussein’ is a God-fearing Christian. I dare ‘The Savior’ BaSchmuck Nomama to produce his prayer transcripts from the last forty years.

ISSUE 2: Healthcare
ObamaCare. The simple greatest atrocity in America since The Trail of Tears. The reason Uncle Bammer and His All-Star Band wants our grandparents to die while we give AIDs medicine to the gays is simple: Obama is a Fascist. He is bringing this country towards Fascism one step at a time under the guise of human rights and common sense. I’d rather die in a free country that’s ranked 37th in the world in healthcare, than live in an equally free country where healthcare is afforded to all.

I can’t afford health insurance but, I’ll be damned if I have the same health benefits as minorities. I will not pay for gays to have their abortions. I will not pay for Muslims to get medical attention for their suicide bombers.

ISSUE 3: Gay Marriage
Marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman. If God wanted a man to have sex with another man he would have given one of them a vagina. If we let Bukake Obuynuts pass a gay marriage amendment this country will be over. People will start marrying sinks. Trying to have sex with their smooth, sexy sinks until their dicks get cut off in the trash compactor. Without dicks we can’t reproduce. That means no more Americans. Clearly Obama is gay. I don’t care if he has children and a wife. Until he releases a tape of himself having sex with a woman I have no reason to believe he’s straight.

ISSUE 4: Immigration
We cannot continue to allow disgusting, different than me immigrants to invade our country and take away terrible jobs that no one wants from people who are too lazy to work anyway! There is nothing more anti-American than allowing people from other countries to come here and start a new life. The only reason this is even being considered an issue is because Bangkok Odumpa is an immigrant. I understand he was born in America but he moved away for a while and Hawaii’s not even a real state. The only people that should be allowed to succeed in this country are people like me: true native Americans.

ISSUE 5: Global Warming
Finally, we must put an end to this horrific rumor that the climate is changing due to greenhouse gases. If the world’s so hot than why aren’t all coats on sale? Its simple economics. The world still needs coats, global warming isn’t real. The only reason why our President keeps talking about our impending doom is because Obama is a coniferous plant. Ballsack Diorama just wants to stop his family of evergreens from being cut down by God loving humans like us. Until Baruch Atah Adonama let’s us cut him in half to check if he has rings marking his growth age I have no reason to assume he’s not a tree.