Pakistan: We Swear We Had No Idea Where Osama Was Hiding
Written by Makhdoom Raza Ghurki, Pakistani Government Official
As a Pakistani government official I am offended that the US did not inform our government of last night’s operation to kill Osama Bin Laden until after it was over. We too have been looking for Bin Laden this whole time, we swear! We had no idea he was hiding in a gigantic Scarface-esque mansion on the outskirts of what is the Pakistani equivalent of Baltimore, Maryland. To be honest, we never even thought to look there.
It did not seem suspicious to us at all that someone would build a fort-like bungalow, eight-times the size of any of the surrounding houses with no windows facing the street. For a resident in Pakistan it is not uncommon to construct 12 to 18 foot barbed wire walls surrounding your property. Despite how wonderful and peaceful it is to live here, Pakistan is unfortunately known for having nosy neighbors. Oftentimes the only way to maintain the privacy allowed to all Pakistani citizens is to construct mammoth military-level structures around your home. You wouldn’t expect us to investigate a house just for trying to maintain its right to privacy, would you?
We also didn’t have any cause for concern when we discovered that a mansion worth one million dollars did not have telephone or internet service. This is Pakistan. We don’t have Verizon out here. It just seemed like the mansion was filled with reasonable people trying to save a few Rupees by not purchasing what is at best shotty service.
It did not seem the least bit suspicious to us that this was the only house in the neighborhood that burned their trash rather than left it out for collection. There are tons of reasons why someone would burn their trash besides having something to hide. Maybe they were really into s’mores and didn’t have enough firewood to successfully create a campfire each night.
Plus, you can’t expect civilians to take note of such subtle clues. The mansion was built in a neighborhood mostly inhabited by retired Pakistani military officials. Certainly you wouldn’t expect a retired military official to know what to do when a potential clue to the whereabouts of the world’s most dangerous terrorist is literally staring them in the face every single day.
We are just as dedicated to the fight against terrorism as any other country. But do you expect us to investigate every single misplaced, million-dollar, prison-camp-style mansion within a forty dollar cab ride from our capital city? That’s just being unreasonable. Next time you cross our border to kill a terrorist we had no idea was even close to here please give us the common courtesy of letting us know. We’re your friends. We want to help.
