Herman Cain Focus Group: We Were Given Free Pizza in Exchange for Votes

Written by  Sameul Travino, Focus Group Participant

Last night during the Republican Primary debate I was asked to participate in a scientific focus group led by Fox News personality Frank Luntz.  As many of you witnessed, the group unanimously and unabashedly declared Herman Cain the unquestioned victor of the evening.

Under the threat of death I am writing to let you know that the entire process was a fake. Frank Luntz forced us to unanimously come to the decision that Herman Cain was unbeatable using threats of violence and torture. In return for our dignity we were offered free pizza for life. Here is a clip of what can only be described as my personal Holocaust:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lt_28Sf-dk&feature=player_embedded

Can you tell which one was me? I was the lone dissenter of the group who declared Herman Cain as ‘all talking points, no real solutions.’ I have to apologize for my unkempt appearance as I was waterboarded immediately prior to the filming of this segment in a last ditch effort to get me to crack.

After this I had to stand idly by as one woman declared Herman Cain, ‘The Godfather of business sense who can attack Obama well.’ before saying she did not even know who he was prior to the debate. If you did not know him then how did you know to say his witty catch phrase based on his being CEO of Godfather’s Pizza?

Frank Luntz called us the 29 most important people in America. I work at a gas station. Why did they try to exaggerate the gravity of our opinions. Because it was set up! It was a scam! The opinions of this focus group were compromised in order to give this meaningless debate a seeming sort of value to boost Fox News’ self sense of relevance in the election.

To the other twenty-eight of you enjoying your free pizza for life, you know who are. You’re all cowards! Come out! Speak truth to power! Regain your dignity and join me in discrediting this heinous misuse of the public’s attention.