I Get to See Osama Photos and You Don’t!
Written by Russ Chandler, Member of Congress
A select group of very important members of Congress are getting the privilege to view the coveted Osama bin Laden death photos. I am elated to announce that I am one of the few to be placed on the ultra-exclusive guest list to attend the viewing at CIA headquarters. I’ve always had a hunch that I was more important than most people and now this confirms it.
As you may be aware the photos will not be released to the public as it might enrage terrorists and make them want to kill us. Well, make them want to kill us more than they already do. Like double kill us. Like rather than just blow us up give us a Mortal Kombat Fatality where they turn into a dragon and bite off half our body. So we definitely can’t show these photos to you.
But, I! Me! I am important. Once I enter the ‘specially created viewing room’ and see these photos not only will I be cementing my place above the common street-folk who voted me in but, I will also be able to better perform my duties as an elected official. Oftentimes I am stuck with difficult decisions like, ‘Who’s taxes should I raise to pay for my own health insurance?’ or ‘How can I keep immigrants from living?’ Every time I was faced with such questions I would think to myself, ‘If only I could see those photos of Osama bin Laden’s body, maybe I would be able to come up with the answer.’
Many do not know this but Osama bin Laden’s head was like a human magic eight ball. You ask it a question, shake it around, and a cryptic yet helpful answer is revealed. Now that his head has been blown to bits I will finally be able to see the 20-sided polygon within, revealing all the answers at once! I will be able to find out if the goo inside the eight ball is just water or is in fact the same goo used for water beds as I suspected. The answers revealed from seeing these pictures are limitless and now they are all mine! And if one of you street-urchins asks me to see one speck of a photo I will say, ‘Reply hazy, try again RUFFIANS!’
