Your Baby’s Circumcision Has Ruined America
Written by Stan Groder, Uncircumcised Activist
Circumcisions! The Jewish and Muslim practice of removing an infant’s foreskin after birth has been infecting our society by keeping babies from getting gross penis infections for far too long! I am proud to report that today, in an effort to balance the budget, Colorado passed a bill that will cut funding for circumcisions under Medicaid. This is another important step in the War On Non-Christian Religious Beliefs as we move closer to the ballot initiative in San Francisco seeking to ban circumcisions entirely.
Now let me make myself clear: I do not hate Jews and Muslims. But I will not stand idly by while they systematically cut down the pride of America’s youth because of their silly, misguided religious beliefs. What if we get into a dick-size comparing war with China!? We cannot lose that war. Not after years of bragging about how small they are.
And I don’t care if circumcision reduces the spread of AIDS, the risk of penile cancer and UTI’s for sexual partners! These babies rights are being abused! A baby should have the right to choose whether he wants his foreskin removed or not. And if a baby wants to drive a car…so be it! It’s his right to decide! I for one will not administer any vaccinations or medical interventions at the time of my baby’s birth unless he explicitly asks, ‘Wahah, wahahh, I want a Hepatitis B vaccination, waahhh!’
Once we ban circumcisions, any Jews and Muslims who continue to practice their religion and follow the commands of their God will be charged with a misdemeanor and fined $1,000. Some might suggest that enforcing this law will in and of itself will be invasive. Well, as an informed citizen and purveyor of justice, I would like to personally volunteer my services as the first state appointed Lil’ Baby Penis Inspector. I will not stop until I personally inspect the lil’ baby penis of every Jewish and Muslim baby in San Francisco.
As for Colorado, this is not just another instance of using a budget crisis to oppress the rights of minorities. The measure will save the state $186,500. This in an attempt to meet the state’s $1 billion budget shortfall. This monumental move will get us one hundredth of one percent closer to achieving a balanced budget. To put that in perspective, If you make $55,000 a year that’s the equivalent of saving $10.25. So a large salad.
