Ohio Governor Blasts Doggone Varmint Liberals By Allowing Guns in Bars

Written by  Yosemite Sam, 2nd Amendment Activist

Yee-haw! Yosemite Sam here, the roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowboy ever to pack a six-shooter. And I’m here to congratulate Ohio Republican Governor John Kasich for signing a bill that allows gun-totin’ Americans like me to carry concealed weapons into bars and other places where alcohol is served.

Now those flea-bitten Liberals want to tell me that mixin’ alcohol and guns is a bad idea.  Well those left-leanin’ galoots should come to my annual family reunion where me an’ the rest of the Sam’s play games like, ‘Shoot the Donkey Without Killing It’ and ‘Blow Anything You Want to Smithereens’. Tell me ya aint havin’ a good time as ya only have to rush two of yer cousins to the hospital.

Think about this, what if yer in the bar drinkin’ and a dog-blasted, ornery terrorist comes a-walking through the door? Aint it time to give the good guys a fightin’ chance? Those varmints will think twice about blowin’ up my local waterin’ hole if they’re gonna be met by ten beer-drinkin’, gun-totin’ patriots ready to shoot to bits whatever we deem anti-American! ‘No turbans in here ya blasted, rackin’, frackin’, A-rab!’The new law also lets me take my six-shooters into shoppin’ malls and sportin’ venues. The malls been a-crawlin’ with pale-skinned, trench-coat wearin’, emo tweens and I hates emo tweens. Ya’ never know when they’re gonna start blastin’ the place to pieces and I want to be able to defend myself!  Finally I’ll feel safe as I shop at Sears, buy me an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and keep a-spittin’ on the storefront of that fragnabbit Yankee Candle!

Now I want to be reasonable, the law says ya can’t drink or do drugs when yer carryin’ weapons into bars. That’s why I encourage every barkeep and saloon owner to ask their customers, ‘Can I see yer ID? Prove to me that yer not hidin’ weapons.’ And if they can’t prove it, then go ahead and puncture their hides! Plus, practice safe drinkin’. Whenever you go out be sure to have a designated shooter. Someone responsible enough to carry a loaded weapon into a crowded bar without making things dangerous by drinking alcohol…well maybe just one. I won’t be shootin’ for another two hours at least!