Rick Perry Defeats Science, Ends Global Warming

Written by  Dave Kettletaco, Global Warming Skeptic

Last night, future President Rick Perry stood up against God’s greatest enemy; science by debunking the far-fetched notion that human activity can affect the Earth. In an interview  Rick ‘Hair Club for Men’ Perry called global warming an unproven, costly theory that has been advanced by scientists manipulating the data.

It is true that Rick Perry has not cited any sources to back up his claims. It is also true that Rick Perry is not a scientist. But Rick Perry is better than a scientist…he’s loud and he feels things. God did not give us Texan loud asses so they can sit in a lab and play around with goop. No, God gave us Rick Perry because he views facts and data like a Syrian official views its own people: unnecessary and worthless. Through this Rick Perry reveals truths that can only come from ignoring what’s actually true. And today’s truth is: science is wrong.

It’s easy to understand why filthy, profit-seeking scientists are manipulating the data. They want to scare the nation into reducing its greenhouse gas emissions. That way, we’ll have to find cleaner, more efficient methods of energy. Methods that will have to be discovered and created by who else…scientists! It’s a goddamn Lazy Susan of back-scratching debauchery among the fraudulent, self-absorbed world community of scientists.

And it’s also no secret that scientists are scrawny, wimps who have disgusting, Holocausty bodies. I don’t blame them for wanting the world to stay cool. They’ll do anything to keep from wearing shorts that force them to expose their rail-thin, chicken legs.

And some might ask, even if global warming is a lie isn’t it good to reduce pollution? To those filthy hippies I say, we’d love to save your polar bears and bees but we’re talking about something much more important: money. Why do you hate money? Who needs clean water and fresh air when you have enough money to buy clean water and fresh air? Money makes the world go round…and anyone who says that gravity makes the world go round is a self-promoting scientist manipulating data.