Nothing Is Good

The Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun!

Tue, 29 May 2012 11:05:37 -0400

We always new it would start with a news story like this:

Man Fights to Live After Face is Eaten by Naked Attacker in Miami

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 8: Interview with Ben...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:12:51 -0400

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 8: Interview with Ben Kronberg

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 8: The Unexplainable Philosophy of Ben Kronberg - Brian and Leo interview comedian Ben Kronberg about his philosophy of embracing the mystery of existence and its uncertainty and also discussed a UFO sighting in South Korea and FoxNews Reptilians.

Be sure to answer this episode’s poll: Are these newscasters Reptilians?

Download MP3 Audio (71.6MB, 1:14:28)

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Overload the Machine: Tomorrow Night at...

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 11:45:00 -0400

Overload the Machine: Tomorrow Night at 10PM

overloadthemachine:

Tomorrow Night at 10pm!

I’ll be on this show tomorrow night at 10PM at The PIT.

Something’s wrong with my credit score.

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 11:54:22 -0400

Something’s wrong with my credit score.

Bridgetown Comedy Festival

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:52:16 -0400

Hey Portland! I’ll be at The Bridgetown Comedy Festival This week! Come to one of my shows:

Bridgetown All-Stars
$10.00 - Thursday, April 12, 2012, 7:00 pm @ Eagles Lodge
Hawthorne Late Night
$10.00 - Friday, April 13, 2012, 11:00 pm @ Hawthorne Theatre Main
BOG Closing Show
$10.00 - Sunday, April 15, 2012, 9:00 pm @ Bar of the Gods

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 7: Interview with an Alien: Part...

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 10:10:00 -0400

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 7: Interview with an Alien: Part 2

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 7: Interview with an Alien: Part 2 - Brian and Leo continue their interview with alien Andy Liu as they learn more about Earth as a jail planet, bad aliens, and how to deal with the end of the world in December.

Link to Andy Liu’s Meetup Group

Download MP3 Audio (48MB, 49:58)

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Geraldo Rivera views.

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 12:16:05 -0400

Geraldo Rivera views.

New Episode of The Unbelievable Podcast: Interview with an...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 11:13:00 -0400

New Episode of The Unbelievable Podcast: Interview with an Alien

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 6: Interview with an Alien - Brian and Leo interview an alien about life after death, the end of the world, and unravel all the mysteries of the universe. They also discuss a recent report of someone receiving emails from beyond the grave.

Link to Andy Liu’s Meetup Group

Download MP3 Audio (53.2MB, 55:25)

This is a podcast post: click here to download the MP3 audio, or visit unbelievablepodcast.com to listen online and subscribe in iTunes.

Yelp! Review: Manatus Restaurant

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 12:55:00 -0400

Manatus Restaurant
340 Bleecker St (between Christopher St & 10th St)
New York, NY 10014
Neighborhood: West Village

Going to this restaurant was the worst day of my life!

STRAWS: The water glasses were filthy. I asked for straws. He gave me two straws that looked like they had been taken out of the garbage and then used to soothe an old lady’s gums.

MOPS: There was a dissatisfied, portly gentelman mopping the entire time I was in there. He didn’t even sweep first! You can’t just put water on dirt and potato pieces and say it’s a clean floor! I felt like I was inside a monster’s bones!

TRICKS: The outside of the restaurant looks like a nice autehtntic Greek restaurant. The inside looks like a truck-stop diner where Greek people go to give up.

SERVICE: The waiter dropped food on everyone! He kept overextending himself by balancing four plates at a time. Then he would come out and proceed to drop dry eggs on people’s bodies.

FOOD TASTE: I don’t know. I ordered the French Toast and left without saying anything.

FINAL SCORE: Seal’s Face

Link to review here.

'Teleprompters Should Be Illegal' Says Man Who Wants to be President

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 13:15:33 -0400

Rick Santorum, Presidential candidate, has declared in a speech in Mississippi that teleprompters should be illegal. No, not as a joke. No, not to satirize the dangers of an over-sized government. Rick Santorum, (Did I mention Presidential candidate?) in the most important two weeks of Primary Season is legitimately and sincerely proposing that the government outlaw teleprompters!

Here’s the quote, “See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter, because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

Man, even when that quote is italicized it still seems stupid.

First of all, ridding the world of teleprompters won’t achieve his goal because paper exists. It’s a sad, unfortunate fact but people will do anything to deliver a well prepared speech when running for President. And if teleprompters are outlawed these insincere deviants will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to make sure they communicate their ideas effectively. This includes printing, memorization, and even writing things down BY HAND!

Second of all, I thought Rick Santorum was a ‘get the government out of my backyard’ Republican? I mean I understood when Rick went against that philosophy to limit the rights of gays or women…but limiting the rights of people who use teleprompters? Now you’ve gone too far, Rick! The government has no place limiting the liberties of the American people! I mean I have friends who use teleprompters! I feel like they deserve the same rights as the ‘off the cuff’ population.

If we say that it should be illegal for Presidential candidates to use teleprompters then what’s next? What about news anchors who rely on the words of the Jew-run media? And why stop at teleprompters? What about reading aloud in general? Should parents be allowed to read Dr. Seuss books to their children? Is that really fair? Shouldn’t they be giving their children stories in their own words? I mean if you really want everyone to speak in their own words you’re gonna have to do a lot better than outlaw teleprompters.

In all honesty though, I think this is a classic case of ‘don’t knock it until you try it’. Maybe Rick Santorum should use a teleprompter. I mean, if he had one to guide he probably would have never said something as dumb as, ‘we should make teleprompters illegal.’

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 5 Out...

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 10:48:11 -0500

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 5 Out Now!

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 5: The DMT Experience - Leo and Brian interview comedian and DMT user Tim Warner about how DMT changed his life. They also discuss photos that have surfaced of a mystical light beam shooting out the top of a Mayan pyramid and its ramifications for the 2012 end of the world prophecy.

Download MP3 Audio (54.1MB, 56:19)

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unbelievablepodcast: Unbelievable Podcast Episode 4: Spiritual...

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 09:46:33 -0500

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 4: Spiritual Healing - Leo and Brian interview New Jersey Governor Chris Christie about his recent veto of the gay marriage bill and interview Super Sonic Love Boom spiritual healer Te’Devan.

Download MP3 Audio (103MB, 01:01:19)

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Santorum's Plan to Harm Impoverished Women Revealed!

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:25:45 -0500

It is well documented that Rick Santorum hates women. Especially women who don’t constantly have babies. Santorum has stated in several speeches and interviews that birth control doesn’t work and that it “is harmful to women” and the country.

However, in a recent interview with Charlie Rose last week Santorum brought up the issue of Title X, a controversial bill that provides poor women with birth control by saying, “My public policy beliefs are that this contraception should be available. Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”

The logic is simple.
Premise: Santorum believes birth control “doesn’t work” and is “harmful to women”
Premise: Santorum supports providing birth control to impoverished women.
Conclusion: Therefore, Santorum supports harming impoverished women.

Pretty clever. Santorum is plotting the destruction of poor women by giving them what they want.

But apparently the diabolical nature of Santorum’s plan became too much for him to handle. Because in the Arizona Primary Debate Santorum declared, “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding, but it’s included in a large appropriation bill that includes a whole host of other things.”

Let’s take a look at these two quotes again said within one week of each other:
Last week: “Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”
This week: “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding.”

Okay. Once again let’s look at these lines from a logical standpoint. I’m not 100% sure about this but those two statements seem to break ‘the law of non-contradiction.’ It’s the same rule broken here:

P: I am a boat.
P: I am not a boat.

You see a thing cannot be and not be at the same time. Yet Rick Santorum both opposes and supports Title X at the same time. Incredible!

The reason for this apparent contradiction is in the result. Remember, Rick Santorum’s number one goal is to harm women who don’t have at least seven babies. At first, it seemed like punishing them with morality ruining drugs would do the most harm. However, after a week of deliberation he concluded that it would be more effective to harm impoverished women using the more traditional Republican method of removing welfare programs.

So let there not be any confusion as to where Santorum stands. This issue isn’t about whether Santorum hates poor women, it’s about the method he will choose to destroy the women he hates.

unbelievablepodcast: Unbelievable Podcast Episode 3: The...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:15:44 -0500

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 3: The Barbara Todish Experience - Leo and Brian reflect over a frustrating story from the 99% and interview self-described revolutionary Barbara Todish about her message to Donald Trump, her foray into prostitution, and her ideas on how to defeat gravity and transcend our current existence.

Download MP3 Audio (132MB, 57:12:44)

This is a podcast post: click here to download the MP3 audio, or visit unbelievablepodcast.com to listen online and subscribe in iTunes.

Best and Worst 2012 Super Bowl Ads

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 11:47:00 -0500

This Superbowl might go down as one of the greatest in history but, did the commercials hold up to the quality of the game? Eh, I think not. This year didn’t have a stand-out commercial like last year with ‘The Force’. (A commercial that is still getting play on YouTube.) I still don’t know what GE wants from me or how I can help the people in their commercials, and if you bet the over on how many times they’d show you that Asian guy in a tub of gold coins you won by a landslide. Here are my Top 5 favorite, and Bottom 5 Least Favorite Super Bowl commercials from this year:

TOP 5

#5 - Chevy - ‘Clint Eastwood Halftime’
2 Minute long Clint Eastwood halftime pep talk, I’ll take it! Clint Eastwood should give America a halftime pep talk every year. The one thing I don’t like is that he’s saying it’s Halftime for America. Which means in 250 years this country will cease to exist. Other than that, Clint Eastwood should run for President.

#4 - Kia Optima - ‘Sandman Sweet Dreams’
Did anyone think the first woman was Julia Louis-Dreyfuss? Great cameos from Adriana Lima, Motley Crue, and Chuck Liddell. Also giant sandwich with a thumbs up from a lumberjack was a great touch. I want to see that couple two years from now when their Kia breaks down and they have the following argument, ‘I should’ve just stayted with Steve! He knew how to ride a horse!’ ‘Oh great, you’re gonna bring up Steve again? I could’ve f*ed Adriana Lima!!! I had to drive through dream space to get you and you’re gonna give me shit!’

#3 - Bud Light - ‘Here We Go Dog’
I like the message here. Help rescue dogs. But also, don’t enslave your rescue dogs and make them constantly work. That dog did not get one treat the entire commercial. And then at the end they strand the dog on the raft and give him beer. Don’t feed your rescue dogs beer, people! Either way the commercial was fun to watch.

#2 - MetLife - ‘Cartoon Characters’
How good did all those cartoon characters look on the real world backdrop? Also strategically placing Waldo in the back of many of the shots was a nice touch. I still don’t know who the little guy was who got out of the limo with Daphne but, she’s way too tall for him. Bring back hand-drawn movies, please!

#1 - Volkswagen - ‘The Dog Strikes Back’
This is one of the only commercials this year that made me feel pure joy. When that dog can’t fit through the doggy door in the beginning it might be the cutest thing the world has ever known. This dog deserves an Oscar for his performance and he proved that he can do more with a fat suit in one minute than Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy can do in four full-length movies.

BOTTOM 5

#5 - Careerbuilder.Com - ‘Chimps’
Okay, enough is enough. Think of a new commercial! I remember the first time I saw your working with chimps ad I was like, ‘This commercial is original and funny, oh before you go did you remember to tape Ally McBeal?’

#4 - Go Daddy - ‘Body Paint’
We know Danica Patrick is never gonna get naked okay, so what’s the point of all this? I’ve been to the website…turns out its not a manly woman porn site! They sell domain names! Wow, that is misleading. Also, I don’t like how Go Daddy assumes that heterosexual men are the only people who buy domain names. Women are allowed to use the Internet too Go Daddy, try advertising to them every once in a while. And if you want to create an ad that people will masturbate to then take a look at Adriana Lima’s Teleflora commercial and learn from the best.

#3 - Samsung Galaxy Note - ‘Street Party’
What are these people waiting in line for? And if waiting in line was so important that they’d miss the SuperBowl I doubt they’d all get off just because what appears to be a homeless man starts playing Darkness covers. And they would think its a homeless man because no one knows/cares what the members of The Darkness look like. Samsung assures us that that was in fact The Darkness but I guess we’ll have to take their word for it. Plus the three cities were Denver, San Fransisco, and Boston…so what is Brian Urlacher doing there? He’s a Chicago Bear. Either way I liked the way the commercial predicted the future by showing three towns that are home to losing playoff teams.

#2 - Pepsi Max - ‘Coke Rep Winner’
I don’t care about any of this. I don’t care that Regis Filbin is back, I don’t care about your weird problems Pepsi Max guy. If you like Pepsi Max so much just quit your job and work for them. Stop being a weirdo.

#1 - Pepsi - ‘Elton John / Flava Flav’
Okay so in this scene Elton John is a gay dictator who is battling the obesity epidemic by stopping everyone form drinking Pepsi. Then X Factor winner Melanie Amaro comes in says she’s gonna sing and Elton scoffs at her. Which is ridiculous. Scoffing at a sassy black woman because she says she can sing is like scoffing at a 13-year old Romanian teenager because she says she can do a back flip. So to get revenge Melanie destroys priceless stained glass art work and murders him. Great. And then of course Flava Flav is in the dungeon because he looks like a rat but for some reason they let him keep a 40 pound golden clock.

Underrated
Cars.Com - ‘Singing Head’ - This guys voice is hysterical. Just watch it again. It’s hypnotizing.

Overrated
Doritos - ‘Baby Slingshot’ - I get it. Babies test well.

What did I ever do to Captcha to deserve this?

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:54:33 -0500

What did I ever do to Captcha to deserve this?

Herman Cain Endorses Newt by Using the Term ‘Sausage-Grinder’ Three Times

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:57:00 -0500

Herman Cain has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President and in typical Herman Cain style he could not resist saying something stupidly pizza related:

Here are the facts, no one says sausage grinder. The colloquial term is meat grinder. But for some reason Herman Cain decided to specifically call politics a ‘sausage-grinder’. And he didn’t just say this once…he said this three times in the span of 20 words. That had to have a been a deliberate choice. Even if you work in a sausage factory you probably don’t say sausage-grinder at the obscene rate applied in Cain’s endorsement.

So why did he make the decision to say sausage-grinder? The most obvious reason is sexual innuendo. The one thing Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich have in common (besides being future Republican Primary drop-outs) is that they have both been hammered by the media due to their promiscuous and varied sexual pasts. When Cain says ‘I know what the sausage-grinder is all about’ there’s a good chance he was being more specific in his analogy than most would like to hear.

The second reason is subliminal advertising. In addition to being a self-aggrandizing power trip, Herman Cain’s succinct political career was also a free-of-charge publicity tour for Godfather’s Pizza. Is Herman Cain a bumbling, sex-addicted, failed politician or is he demented, evil, super-genius pizza man? Perhaps the Gingrich endorsement was just one more way to get some free air time in order to fill the public’s mind with ideas of delicious freshly-ground sausage.

The third reason is demons. We all know the old Italian legend: If you say sausage-grinder three times in the mirror during a political endorsement a kielbasa demon will emerge and grant you three sausage-related wishes. Of course, this didn’t happen, but it could have been Cain’s only shot at realizing his dream to hold a sausage monopoly. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain, Herman Cain is now endorsing Newt Gingrich. Which means we’re one step closer to having the most sexually deviant Presidential ticket in the history of the sausage-grinder known as America.

Iran Afraid of Dolls, Barbie Insurgency Continues

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:01:35 -0500

Iran has delivered another blow to the Barbie Insurgency by shutting down toy stores daring to sell the filthy American dolls. For decades these domestic doll terrorists have been infiltrating Iran’s borders! According to Iran’s judiciary Barbie and Ken are “dangerous” and “destructive” like a “Trojan Horse sneaking in Western influences like makeup and revealing clothes.”

What I don’t understand is why children of Iran don’t just use the government approved alternative to Barbie, Iran’s Sara and Dara! I mean these dolls have been around since 2002 and are completely safe from Western influence! Why are the parents of Iran allowing their children to play with something as dangerous as Barbie dolls when Sara and Dara exist!? I mean, just look at the features listed on the packaging and you tell me what the safer choice is for Iran’s young girls:

Dara and Sara - Safe:

Legal to hit her for any reason!
Comes with potential to be publicly stoned to death!
Can be forced into marriage at 13 years old!
Comes with special ‘Women’s Car’ (for grocery shopping use only)
Can be banned from leaving ‘Dara Dream House’
Comes with fully functional switch to deliver lashing.

WARNING: Sara doll not for use outside home. Do not remove clothing from Sara doll. Sara doll must have hair covered at all times. Do not give Sara doll equal education. Do not have Dara doll cook for Sara doll. Do not create an imaginary situation where Sara doll testifies in court. Do not give Sara doll a motorcycle. Do not allow Sara doll to pursue equal education. Not for use by children who are already married.

Barbie - Dangerous:

Domestic Violence Prohibited.
Lacks public stoning feature.
Must agree to marriage.
Needs parental consent to be married under 18.
Not banned from riding motorcycles.
Allowed to leave Dream Home.

WARNING: This product not suitable for children practicing Sharia Law.

I think the choice is clear! Sara and Dara are much safer than Barbie and Ken.

Corn on the Cobbler

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:43:21 -0500

Corn on the Cobbler

Murray's Cheeses: The Campaign for a More Accessible Cheese Shop

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:51:00 -0500

If anyone’s seen me at an open mic recently they already know that I had some beef with Murray’s cheeses. (What a line!) Here’s a very brief audio version of my complaint. (WARNING: The recording is loud, please lower your speakers)

Did you listen? 8PM!!! That’s way too early for a cheese shop to close. So I wrote Murray’s Cheeses a letter. And here it is:

Dear Murray’s Cheeses,

Let me begin by saying I am a huge fan of Murray’s Cheeses. It reminds me of the old country. Back to a time when you could walk down the streets and get more than just spicy ethnic foods. Not that I have anything against ethnic foods or people. Don’t you know that I’m the type of guy that loves all ethnicities? I wouldn’t say anything bad about anyone? Just the food!!! It’s gross. Nothing to do with the people.

But Murray’s Cheeses is right down my alley. I have one problem…and that’s I can’t get enough of your cheeses!!! Ha! Well I can get enough…that was a joke! Too much cheese could be bad for your health even if you love it much more than Thai food! But girls want to go to get Thai food all the time, y’know? Not that this is what I’m writing about! I just wanted you to know that I love your cheeses but I have a problem? It’s a problem that I think you should address? Especially since I am a person that loves Murray’s cheeses? And that ethnic food is more popular than ever?

My problem is Murray’s Cheese closes at 8PM! What kind of time is that for a cheese shop to close! Sometimes I don’t get off work until 7PM and then I don’t have enough time to get any of Murray’s Cheeses! Am I supposed to wake up an hour early for work just to get Murray’s Cheeses? That would mean waking up at 6AM! It’s not even light out at that time! My life would really take a big hit in the sleep department! Although it would be worth it because I love Murray’s Cheeses that much and I really don’t like Italian Tomato food!!!

Murray’s Cheeses should be open until 2AM. That is the perfect time to close. No one wants cheeses after 2AM! Or maybe they do? Maybe that’s a market that you have overlooked? Often in movies a midnight snack involves cheeses?

I would like to be able to go to Murray’s cheeses after I get off work so I can enjoy Havarti cheeses without having to wake up with the raccoons! Ha! That was another joke? I like to make jokes so you know I still will shop at Murray’s cheeses no matter when you close? This isn’t supposed to be a letter where I’m complaining? Only making a suggestion?

Thank you for taking the time to read my request. I appreciate your existence in the world!

Sincerely,
Brian

This letter was sent on Saturday afternoon. Still no response! I will let you know when I hear from Murray’s Cheeses.