Nothing Is Good

Santorum's Plan to Harm Impoverished Women Revealed!

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 12:25:45 -0500

It is well documented that Rick Santorum hates women. Especially women who don’t constantly have babies. Santorum has stated in several speeches and interviews that birth control doesn’t work and that it “is harmful to women” and the country.

However, in a recent interview with Charlie Rose last week Santorum brought up the issue of Title X, a controversial bill that provides poor women with birth control by saying, “My public policy beliefs are that this contraception should be available. Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”

The logic is simple.
Premise: Santorum believes birth control “doesn’t work” and is “harmful to women”
Premise: Santorum supports providing birth control to impoverished women.
Conclusion: Therefore, Santorum supports harming impoverished women.

Pretty clever. Santorum is plotting the destruction of poor women by giving them what they want.

But apparently the diabolical nature of Santorum’s plan became too much for him to handle. Because in the Arizona Primary Debate Santorum declared, “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding, but it’s included in a large appropriation bill that includes a whole host of other things.”

Let’s take a look at these two quotes again said within one week of each other:
Last week: “Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”
This week: “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding.”

Okay. Once again let’s look at these lines from a logical standpoint. I’m not 100% sure about this but those two statements seem to break ‘the law of non-contradiction.’ It’s the same rule broken here:

P: I am a boat.
P: I am not a boat.

You see a thing cannot be and not be at the same time. Yet Rick Santorum both opposes and supports Title X at the same time. Incredible!

The reason for this apparent contradiction is in the result. Remember, Rick Santorum’s number one goal is to harm women who don’t have at least seven babies. At first, it seemed like punishing them with morality ruining drugs would do the most harm. However, after a week of deliberation he concluded that it would be more effective to harm impoverished women using the more traditional Republican method of removing welfare programs.

So let there not be any confusion as to where Santorum stands. This issue isn’t about whether Santorum hates poor women, it’s about the method he will choose to destroy the women he hates.

unbelievablepodcast: Unbelievable Podcast Episode 3: The...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:15:44 -0500

unbelievablepodcast:

Unbelievable Podcast Episode 3: The Barbara Todish Experience - Leo and Brian reflect over a frustrating story from the 99% and interview self-described revolutionary Barbara Todish about her message to Donald Trump, her foray into prostitution, and her ideas on how to defeat gravity and transcend our current existence.

Download MP3 Audio (132MB, 57:12:44)

This is a podcast post: click here to download the MP3 audio, or visit unbelievablepodcast.com to listen online and subscribe in iTunes.

Best and Worst 2012 Super Bowl Ads

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 11:47:00 -0500

This Superbowl might go down as one of the greatest in history but, did the commercials hold up to the quality of the game? Eh, I think not. This year didn’t have a stand-out commercial like last year with ‘The Force’. (A commercial that is still getting play on YouTube.) I still don’t know what GE wants from me or how I can help the people in their commercials, and if you bet the over on how many times they’d show you that Asian guy in a tub of gold coins you won by a landslide. Here are my Top 5 favorite, and Bottom 5 Least Favorite Super Bowl commercials from this year:

TOP 5

#5 - Chevy - ‘Clint Eastwood Halftime’
2 Minute long Clint Eastwood halftime pep talk, I’ll take it! Clint Eastwood should give America a halftime pep talk every year. The one thing I don’t like is that he’s saying it’s Halftime for America. Which means in 250 years this country will cease to exist. Other than that, Clint Eastwood should run for President.

#4 - Kia Optima - ‘Sandman Sweet Dreams’
Did anyone think the first woman was Julia Louis-Dreyfuss? Great cameos from Adriana Lima, Motley Crue, and Chuck Liddell. Also giant sandwich with a thumbs up from a lumberjack was a great touch. I want to see that couple two years from now when their Kia breaks down and they have the following argument, ‘I should’ve just stayted with Steve! He knew how to ride a horse!’ ‘Oh great, you’re gonna bring up Steve again? I could’ve f*ed Adriana Lima!!! I had to drive through dream space to get you and you’re gonna give me shit!’

#3 - Bud Light - ‘Here We Go Dog’
I like the message here. Help rescue dogs. But also, don’t enslave your rescue dogs and make them constantly work. That dog did not get one treat the entire commercial. And then at the end they strand the dog on the raft and give him beer. Don’t feed your rescue dogs beer, people! Either way the commercial was fun to watch.

#2 - MetLife - ‘Cartoon Characters’
How good did all those cartoon characters look on the real world backdrop? Also strategically placing Waldo in the back of many of the shots was a nice touch. I still don’t know who the little guy was who got out of the limo with Daphne but, she’s way too tall for him. Bring back hand-drawn movies, please!

#1 - Volkswagen - ‘The Dog Strikes Back’
This is one of the only commercials this year that made me feel pure joy. When that dog can’t fit through the doggy door in the beginning it might be the cutest thing the world has ever known. This dog deserves an Oscar for his performance and he proved that he can do more with a fat suit in one minute than Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy can do in four full-length movies.

BOTTOM 5

#5 - Careerbuilder.Com - ‘Chimps’
Okay, enough is enough. Think of a new commercial! I remember the first time I saw your working with chimps ad I was like, ‘This commercial is original and funny, oh before you go did you remember to tape Ally McBeal?’

#4 - Go Daddy - ‘Body Paint’
We know Danica Patrick is never gonna get naked okay, so what’s the point of all this? I’ve been to the website…turns out its not a manly woman porn site! They sell domain names! Wow, that is misleading. Also, I don’t like how Go Daddy assumes that heterosexual men are the only people who buy domain names. Women are allowed to use the Internet too Go Daddy, try advertising to them every once in a while. And if you want to create an ad that people will masturbate to then take a look at Adriana Lima’s Teleflora commercial and learn from the best.

#3 - Samsung Galaxy Note - ‘Street Party’
What are these people waiting in line for? And if waiting in line was so important that they’d miss the SuperBowl I doubt they’d all get off just because what appears to be a homeless man starts playing Darkness covers. And they would think its a homeless man because no one knows/cares what the members of The Darkness look like. Samsung assures us that that was in fact The Darkness but I guess we’ll have to take their word for it. Plus the three cities were Denver, San Fransisco, and Boston…so what is Brian Urlacher doing there? He’s a Chicago Bear. Either way I liked the way the commercial predicted the future by showing three towns that are home to losing playoff teams.

#2 - Pepsi Max - ‘Coke Rep Winner’
I don’t care about any of this. I don’t care that Regis Filbin is back, I don’t care about your weird problems Pepsi Max guy. If you like Pepsi Max so much just quit your job and work for them. Stop being a weirdo.

#1 - Pepsi - ‘Elton John / Flava Flav’
Okay so in this scene Elton John is a gay dictator who is battling the obesity epidemic by stopping everyone form drinking Pepsi. Then X Factor winner Melanie Amaro comes in says she’s gonna sing and Elton scoffs at her. Which is ridiculous. Scoffing at a sassy black woman because she says she can sing is like scoffing at a 13-year old Romanian teenager because she says she can do a back flip. So to get revenge Melanie destroys priceless stained glass art work and murders him. Great. And then of course Flava Flav is in the dungeon because he looks like a rat but for some reason they let him keep a 40 pound golden clock.

Underrated
Cars.Com - ‘Singing Head’ - This guys voice is hysterical. Just watch it again. It’s hypnotizing.

Overrated
Doritos - ‘Baby Slingshot’ - I get it. Babies test well.

What did I ever do to Captcha to deserve this?

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:54:33 -0500

What did I ever do to Captcha to deserve this?

Herman Cain Endorses Newt by Using the Term ‘Sausage-Grinder’ Three Times

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:57:00 -0500

Herman Cain has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President and in typical Herman Cain style he could not resist saying something stupidly pizza related:

Here are the facts, no one says sausage grinder. The colloquial term is meat grinder. But for some reason Herman Cain decided to specifically call politics a ‘sausage-grinder’. And he didn’t just say this once…he said this three times in the span of 20 words. That had to have a been a deliberate choice. Even if you work in a sausage factory you probably don’t say sausage-grinder at the obscene rate applied in Cain’s endorsement.

So why did he make the decision to say sausage-grinder? The most obvious reason is sexual innuendo. The one thing Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich have in common (besides being future Republican Primary drop-outs) is that they have both been hammered by the media due to their promiscuous and varied sexual pasts. When Cain says ‘I know what the sausage-grinder is all about’ there’s a good chance he was being more specific in his analogy than most would like to hear.

The second reason is subliminal advertising. In addition to being a self-aggrandizing power trip, Herman Cain’s succinct political career was also a free-of-charge publicity tour for Godfather’s Pizza. Is Herman Cain a bumbling, sex-addicted, failed politician or is he demented, evil, super-genius pizza man? Perhaps the Gingrich endorsement was just one more way to get some free air time in order to fill the public’s mind with ideas of delicious freshly-ground sausage.

The third reason is demons. We all know the old Italian legend: If you say sausage-grinder three times in the mirror during a political endorsement a kielbasa demon will emerge and grant you three sausage-related wishes. Of course, this didn’t happen, but it could have been Cain’s only shot at realizing his dream to hold a sausage monopoly. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain, Herman Cain is now endorsing Newt Gingrich. Which means we’re one step closer to having the most sexually deviant Presidential ticket in the history of the sausage-grinder known as America.

Iran Afraid of Dolls, Barbie Insurgency Continues

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:01:35 -0500

Iran has delivered another blow to the Barbie Insurgency by shutting down toy stores daring to sell the filthy American dolls. For decades these domestic doll terrorists have been infiltrating Iran’s borders! According to Iran’s judiciary Barbie and Ken are “dangerous” and “destructive” like a “Trojan Horse sneaking in Western influences like makeup and revealing clothes.”

What I don’t understand is why children of Iran don’t just use the government approved alternative to Barbie, Iran’s Sara and Dara! I mean these dolls have been around since 2002 and are completely safe from Western influence! Why are the parents of Iran allowing their children to play with something as dangerous as Barbie dolls when Sara and Dara exist!? I mean, just look at the features listed on the packaging and you tell me what the safer choice is for Iran’s young girls:

Dara and Sara - Safe:

Legal to hit her for any reason!
Comes with potential to be publicly stoned to death!
Can be forced into marriage at 13 years old!
Comes with special ‘Women’s Car’ (for grocery shopping use only)
Can be banned from leaving ‘Dara Dream House’
Comes with fully functional switch to deliver lashing.

WARNING: Sara doll not for use outside home. Do not remove clothing from Sara doll. Sara doll must have hair covered at all times. Do not give Sara doll equal education. Do not have Dara doll cook for Sara doll. Do not create an imaginary situation where Sara doll testifies in court. Do not give Sara doll a motorcycle. Do not allow Sara doll to pursue equal education. Not for use by children who are already married.

Barbie - Dangerous:

Domestic Violence Prohibited.
Lacks public stoning feature.
Must agree to marriage.
Needs parental consent to be married under 18.
Not banned from riding motorcycles.
Allowed to leave Dream Home.

WARNING: This product not suitable for children practicing Sharia Law.

I think the choice is clear! Sara and Dara are much safer than Barbie and Ken.

Corn on the Cobbler

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:43:21 -0500

Corn on the Cobbler

Murray's Cheeses: The Campaign for a More Accessible Cheese Shop

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:51:00 -0500

If anyone’s seen me at an open mic recently they already know that I had some beef with Murray’s cheeses. (What a line!) Here’s a very brief audio version of my complaint. (WARNING: The recording is loud, please lower your speakers)

Did you listen? 8PM!!! That’s way too early for a cheese shop to close. So I wrote Murray’s Cheeses a letter. And here it is:

Dear Murray’s Cheeses,

Let me begin by saying I am a huge fan of Murray’s Cheeses. It reminds me of the old country. Back to a time when you could walk down the streets and get more than just spicy ethnic foods. Not that I have anything against ethnic foods or people. Don’t you know that I’m the type of guy that loves all ethnicities? I wouldn’t say anything bad about anyone? Just the food!!! It’s gross. Nothing to do with the people.

But Murray’s Cheeses is right down my alley. I have one problem…and that’s I can’t get enough of your cheeses!!! Ha! Well I can get enough…that was a joke! Too much cheese could be bad for your health even if you love it much more than Thai food! But girls want to go to get Thai food all the time, y’know? Not that this is what I’m writing about! I just wanted you to know that I love your cheeses but I have a problem? It’s a problem that I think you should address? Especially since I am a person that loves Murray’s cheeses? And that ethnic food is more popular than ever?

My problem is Murray’s Cheese closes at 8PM! What kind of time is that for a cheese shop to close! Sometimes I don’t get off work until 7PM and then I don’t have enough time to get any of Murray’s Cheeses! Am I supposed to wake up an hour early for work just to get Murray’s Cheeses? That would mean waking up at 6AM! It’s not even light out at that time! My life would really take a big hit in the sleep department! Although it would be worth it because I love Murray’s Cheeses that much and I really don’t like Italian Tomato food!!!

Murray’s Cheeses should be open until 2AM. That is the perfect time to close. No one wants cheeses after 2AM! Or maybe they do? Maybe that’s a market that you have overlooked? Often in movies a midnight snack involves cheeses?

I would like to be able to go to Murray’s cheeses after I get off work so I can enjoy Havarti cheeses without having to wake up with the raccoons! Ha! That was another joke? I like to make jokes so you know I still will shop at Murray’s cheeses no matter when you close? This isn’t supposed to be a letter where I’m complaining? Only making a suggestion?

Thank you for taking the time to read my request. I appreciate your existence in the world!

Sincerely,
Brian

This letter was sent on Saturday afternoon. Still no response! I will let you know when I hear from Murray’s Cheeses.

Mitt Romney's Presidential Campaign Ruined Because He Spoke French Once

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:19:51 -0500

Newt Gingrich, self-proclaimed legitimate Presidential candidate, has been flexing his muscles in South Carolina by attacking the current Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney. It has proven difficult to attack Romney on the basis political platform and policy because frankly people don’t care about that. But there is one thing that Newt knows everyone in America cares about. Hating French people! And so Newt’s crack political team dug up a YouTube clip from nine years ago of Mitt Romney speaking French one time…Sacrebleu!

It’s a twist ending! Just like an M. Night Shyamalan movie it turns out Mitt Romney spoke French the entire time! There’s no way the American people would stand having a President who is bi-lingual. In fact we prefer Republican candidates who can barely speak one language. But if you’re going to speak two languages please let not the second one be French! The only thing more anti-American than speaking French is speaking MEXICAN!

After two distant fourth place finishes Newt has good reason to spend people’s money showing the world Romney spoke French one time. This transcends one man’s solid fourth place Presidential Primary campaign, this is about protecting the American way of life! Just like the way the French protected the American way of life when they allied with us in the Revolutionary War to defeat the British and thus allow this country to exist at all. Just like that!

Epsiode 1 of Unbelievable Podcast Available Now!

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:58:00 -0500

Comedian Leo Martin and I have started a podcast where we interview people who hold fringe beliefs, viewpoints, philosophies or conspiracy theories. The first episode is up now where we interviewed a 9/11 Conspiracy Theorist.

Check it out here.

Herman Cain Refuses to Leave America Alone, Starts Obnoxious Bus Tour

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:14:37 -0500

After a month of inexplicable absence from the political spotlight Herman Cain has returned in full force by announcing on ‘Hannity’ that he will be launching a unique and not at all obnoxious bus tour to tout his grand unified theory of taxation summed up as the 9-9-9 tax plan.

Many so-called critics are saying, ‘Bus tour? Didn’t Sarah Palin already try that?.’ To them I say her national bus tour was a self-promoting publicity stunt that only distracted America from tackling real political problems. Herman Cain’s national bus tour is way different. For example, Herman Cain’s larger-than-life-sized bus wrap is red on one side and blue on the other. While Sarah Palin’s bus wrap was more of a sky motif with some spots of green even!

But this isn’t about how big we can make Herman Cain’s face in Photoshop, this is about politics! After all, what better way to focus on America’s political problems than to put a man on a bus with absolutely no political experience who’s only real talent is running a pizza franchise and repetitively cheating on his complacent wife? There is no better way!

This national bus tour comes with a real plan that has nothing to do with Herman Cain being selected as the GOP candidates Vice President. It’s about the 9-9-9 plan which Forbes claims was ripped off from a computer game and reminds me a lot of this Wendy’s commercial. This is about the 9-9-9 plan which Bloomberg declared as mathematically impossible.

This plan is about more than just its ingenious, catchy title (which would be perfect for a pizza commercial), its about change. Cain will be promoting a plan that raises taxes on the poor using a form of transportation that poor people are forced to take….that’s why he used a bus because with this new tax plan everyone who makes less than $200,000 a year should look forward to many more bus trips in the future. What a visionary!

Finally, this bus tour will be launched in conjunction with CainConnections.Com. An online dating website where Herman Cain can find new ladies with whom he can participate in the age old art of infidelity. What? That’s not what the site is about? Oh, it’s just a website where supporters can keep track of the bus tour? Well then I shouldn’t have put ‘single and ready to mingle’ as my CainConnections profile status.

Photo

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 12:25:23 -0500

Shows This Week!

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 16:26:15 -0500

Tuesday January 3rd -The Short Bus - The Creek and the Cave - LIC
Wednesday January 4th - Future Girlfriend - 9 Bleecker
Thursday January 5th - Some Show in Jersey - New Jersey
Saturday January 7th - Thunderbird Comedy Show - Grisly Pear
Monday January 9th - Level 6 Improv Show - The Magnet Theater

Check me out on Offstage podcast with my buddy Christian...

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 12:42:54 -0500

Check me out on Offstage podcast with my buddy Christian Polanco!

offstagepod:

Download (Right-Click, Save As)

Brian got his comedy chops in Bloomington, Indiana. He moved back to his hometown of NY a new man. A more anxious one. Brian has had some incredibly frustrating situations with women and we talk about them. Listen as we cover being too picky, psychosomatic pains, and winning a bitchslapping contest.

Champagne Toast.

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:23:19 -0500

Champagne Toast.

North Korean’s weeping in New Year’s Eve movie.

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 14:32:08 -0500

North Korean’s weeping in New Year’s Eve movie.

North Koreans weep after Tim Tebow loss Sunday.

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:04:50 -0500

North Koreans weep after Tim Tebow loss Sunday.

Top 10 Best (Worst) Names in Congress

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 16:04:00 -0500

This is a call to action. By now most of the country realizes that the system is broken. The entire electorate is a farce yet much of our Congress continues to be filled with people who have serious sounding names like Scott P. Brown and Carl Levin. What many don’t realize is that our Congress has a small but powerful minority of comically named politicians that make names like Barack Obama and Newt Gingrich seem normal.

The goal is to make that minority a majority. We need to fill our Congress with 535 people who’s names reflect how ridiculous this travesty that we call a government is. Maybe these ineffectual officials can’t exact meaningful change in our society but at least they can provide us with quiet chuckles every time they’re mentioned on the news or every time someone posts a campaign sign on their lawn that says ‘Vote for Boehner.’

The next time you’re asked to perform your civic duty at the polls mark the ballot down in favor of these individuals. If each citizen does their part we can realize our dream of quietly laughing at the name of every single member of Congress.

Here is the ranking for Top 10 most ridiculous names in the current (112th) United States House of Representatives along with my proposed campaign slogan:

1. John Boehner (R-OH) - ‘Alright. I get it.’
2. Joe Heck (R-NV) - ‘Slightly more moderate than Joe Hell’
3. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) - ‘Smaller cousin of Virginia Woolf’
4. Chaka Fattah (D-PA) - ‘Here’s how you say it: Shock-a Fuh-taa’
5. Jeff Flake (R-AZ) - ‘I never show up to meetings!’
6. Jerry Lewis (R-CA) - ‘Those telethons really gave me an advantage’
7. G.K. Butterfield (D-NC) - ‘I look as fat as you think I look’
8. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA) - ‘Because we couldn’t convince Bob Greatlatte to run’
9. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-MD) - ‘An All-American Ruppersberger’
10. Rodney Frelinghuysen (R-NJ) - ‘Good thing I’m not a write-in’

Here is the ranking for Top 10 most ridiculous names in the current (112th) United States Senate along with my proposed campaign slogan:

1. Mike Crapo (R-ID) - ‘Spanish for Crappy Mike’
2. Daniel Akaka (D-HI) - ‘These bills are Akaka. A-k-a-k-a’
3. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) - ‘The most ironic name in the world’
4. John Boozman (R-AR) - ‘I would prefer to remain anonymous’
5. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) - ‘Named after my parent’s third and fourth butler’
6. Bob Corker (R-TN) - ‘Corker? I hardly know her!’
7. Daniel Coats (R-IN) - ‘I’m in the closet! Wait…I’m against gay marriage! (Fact)’
8. Christopher Coons (D-DE) - ‘The whitest man in America’
9. Roy Blunt (R-OK) - ‘Against legalizing marijuana (Fact)’
10. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) - ‘Answering the question, when will we stab?’

If you have any suggestions on members of Congress to add to this list please comment! We’re in this together!

Loukanikos, Athens' Protest Dog

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:23:29 -0500

Loukanikos, Athens' Protest Dog:

Tell me this isn’t one of the best things you’ve ever seen.

Sign this Petition If You Like Justice! If You're Anti-Justice Sign It to be Ironic.

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:37:30 -0500

Sign this Petition If You Like Justice! If You're Anti-Justice Sign It to be Ironic.:

Sen. Bernie Sanders has proposed a constitutional amendment that would overturn the Supreme Court decision in a case called Citizens United vs. FEC.

The Saving American Democracy Amendment states that:

Corporations are not persons with constitutional rights equal to real people.
Corporations are subject to regulation by the people.
Corporations may not make campaign contributions.
Congress and states have the power to regulate campaign finances.