‘Teleprompters Should Be Illegal’ Says Man Who Wants to be President

Rick Santorum, Presidential candidate, has declared in a speech in Mississippi that teleprompters should be illegal. No, not as a joke. No, not to satirize the dangers of an over-sized government. Rick Santorum, (Did I mention Presidential candidate?) in the most important two weeks of Primary Season is legitimately and sincerely proposing that the government outlaw teleprompters!

Here’s the quote, “See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter, because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

Man, even when that quote is italicized it still seems stupid.

First of all, ridding the world of teleprompters won’t achieve his goal because paper exists. It’s a sad, unfortunate fact but people will do anything to deliver a well prepared speech when running for President. And if teleprompters are outlawed these insincere deviants will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to make sure they communicate their ideas effectively. This includes printing, memorization, and even writing things down BY HAND!

Second of all, I thought Rick Santorum was a ‘get the government out of my backyard’ Republican? I mean I understood when Rick went against that philosophy to limit the rights of gays or women…but limiting the rights of people who use teleprompters? Now you’ve gone too far, Rick! The government has no place limiting the liberties of the American people! I mean I have friends who use teleprompters! I feel like they deserve the same rights as the ‘off the cuff’ population.

If we say that it should be illegal for Presidential candidates to use teleprompters then what’s next? What about news anchors who rely on the words of the Jew-run media? And why stop at teleprompters? What about reading aloud in general? Should parents be allowed to read Dr. Seuss books to their children? Is that really fair? Shouldn’t they be giving their children stories in their own words? I mean if you really want everyone to speak in their own words you’re gonna have to do a lot better than outlaw teleprompters.

In all honesty though, I think this is a classic case of ‘don’t knock it until you try it’. Maybe Rick Santorum should use a teleprompter. I mean, if he had one to guide he probably would have never said something as dumb as, ‘we should make teleprompters illegal.’

Santorum’s Plan to Harm Impoverished Women Revealed!

It is well documented that Rick Santorum hates women. Especially women who don’t constantly have babies. Santorum has stated in several speeches and interviews that birth control doesn’t work and that it “is harmful to women” and the country.

However, in a recent interview with Charlie Rose last week Santorum brought up the issue of Title X, a controversial bill that provides poor women with birth control by saying, “My public policy beliefs are that this contraception should be available. Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”

The logic is simple.
Premise: Santorum believes birth control “doesn’t work” and is “harmful to women”
Premise: Santorum supports providing birth control to impoverished women.
Conclusion: Therefore, Santorum supports harming impoverished women.

Pretty clever. Santorum is plotting the destruction of poor women by giving them what they want.

But apparently the diabolical nature of Santorum’s plan became too much for him to handle. Because in the Arizona Primary Debate Santorum declared, “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding, but it’s included in a large appropriation bill that includes a whole host of other things.”

Let’s take a look at these two quotes again said within one week of each other:
Last week: “Again, I’ve supported Title X funding.”
This week: “I opposed Title X funding. I’ve always opposed Title X funding.”

Okay. Once again let’s look at these lines from a logical standpoint. I’m not 100% sure about this but those two statements seem to break ‘the law of non-contradiction.’ It’s the same rule broken here:

P: I am a boat.
P: I am not a boat.

You see a thing cannot be and not be at the same time. Yet Rick Santorum both opposes and supports Title X at the same time. Incredible!

The reason for this apparent contradiction is in the result. Remember, Rick Santorum’s number one goal is to harm women who don’t have at least seven babies. At first, it seemed like punishing them with morality ruining drugs would do the most harm. However, after a week of deliberation he concluded that it would be more effective to harm impoverished women using the more traditional Republican method of removing welfare programs.

So let there not be any confusion as to where Santorum stands. This issue isn’t about whether Santorum hates poor women, it’s about the method he will choose to destroy the women he hates.

Herman Cain Endorses Newt by Using the Term ‘Sausage-Grinder’ Three Times

Herman Cain has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President and in typical Herman Cain style he could not resist saying something stupidly pizza related:

Here are the facts, no one says sausage grinder. The colloquial term is meat grinder. But for some reason Herman Cain decided to specifically call politics a ‘sausage-grinder’. And he didn’t just say this once…he said this three times in the span of 20 words. That had to have a been a deliberate choice. Even if you work in a sausage factory you probably don’t say sausage-grinder at the obscene rate applied in Cain’s endorsement.

So why did he make the decision to say sausage-grinder? The most obvious reason is sexual innuendo. The one thing Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich have in common (besides being future Republican Primary drop-outs) is that they have both been hammered by the media due to their promiscuous and varied sexual pasts. When Cain says ‘I know what the sausage-grinder is all about’ there’s a good chance he was being more specific in his analogy than most would like to hear.

The second reason is subliminal advertising. In addition to being a self-aggrandizing power trip, Herman Cain’s succinct political career was also a free-of-charge publicity tour for Godfather’s Pizza. Is Herman Cain a bumbling, sex-addicted, failed politician or is he demented, evil, super-genius pizza man? Perhaps the Gingrich endorsement was just one more way to get some free air time in order to fill the public’s mind with ideas of delicious freshly-ground sausage.

The third reason is demons. We all know the old Italian legend: If you say sausage-grinder three times in the mirror during a political endorsement a kielbasa demon will emerge and grant you three sausage-related wishes. Of course, this didn’t happen, but it could have been Cain’s only shot at realizing his dream to hold a sausage monopoly. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain, Herman Cain is now endorsing Newt Gingrich. Which means we’re one step closer to having the most sexually deviant Presidential ticket in the history of the sausage-grinder known as America.

Mitt Romney’s Presidential Campaign Ruined Because He Spoke French Once

Newt Gingrich, self-proclaimed legitimate Presidential candidate, has been flexing his muscles in South Carolina by attacking the current Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney. It has proven difficult to attack Romney on the basis political platform and policy because frankly people don’t care about that. But there is one thing that Newt knows everyone in America cares about. Hating French people! And so Newt’s crack political team dug up a YouTube clip from nine years ago of Mitt Romney speaking French one time…Sacrebleu!

It’s a twist ending! Just like an M. Night Shyamalan movie it turns out Mitt Romney spoke French the entire time! There’s no way the American people would stand having a President who is bi-lingual. In fact we prefer Republican candidates who can barely speak one language. But if you’re going to speak two languages please let not the second one be French! The only thing more anti-American than speaking French is speaking MEXICAN!

After two distant fourth place finishes Newt has good reason to spend people’s money showing the world Romney spoke French one time. This transcends one man’s solid fourth place Presidential Primary campaign, this is about protecting the American way of life! Just like the way the French protected the American way of life when they allied with us in the Revolutionary War to defeat the British and thus allow this country to exist at all. Just like that!