January 18, 2012

Murray’s Cheeses: The Campaign for a More Accessible Cheese Shop

If anyone’s seen me at an open mic recently they already know that I had some beef with Murray’s cheeses. (What a line!) Here’s a very brief audio version of my complaint. (WARNING: The recording is loud, please lower your speakers)

Did you listen? 8PM!!! That’s way too early for a cheese shop to close. So I wrote Murray’s Cheeses a letter. And here it is:

Dear Murray’s Cheeses,

Let me begin by saying I am a huge fan of Murray’s Cheeses. It reminds me of the old country. Back to a time when you could walk down the streets and get more than just spicy ethnic foods. Not that I have anything against ethnic foods or people. Don’t you know that I’m the type of guy that loves all ethnicities? I wouldn’t say anything bad about anyone? Just the food!!! It’s gross. Nothing to do with the people.

But Murray’s Cheeses is right down my alley. I have one problem…and that’s I can’t get enough of your cheeses!!! Ha! Well I can get enough…that was a joke! Too much cheese could be bad for your health even if you love it much more than Thai food! But girls want to go to get Thai food all the time, y’know? Not that this is what I’m writing about! I just wanted you to know that I love your cheeses but I have a problem? It’s a problem that I think you should address? Especially since I am a person that loves Murray’s cheeses? And that ethnic food is more popular than ever?

My problem is Murray’s Cheese closes at 8PM! What kind of time is that for a cheese shop to close! Sometimes I don’t get off work until 7PM and then I don’t have enough time to get any of Murray’s Cheeses! Am I supposed to wake up an hour early for work just to get Murray’s Cheeses? That would mean waking up at 6AM! It’s not even light out at that time! My life would really take a big hit in the sleep department! Although it would be worth it because I love Murray’s Cheeses that much and I really don’t like Italian Tomato food!!!

Murray’s Cheeses should be open until 2AM. That is the perfect time to close. No one wants cheeses after 2AM! Or maybe they do? Maybe that’s a market that you have overlooked? Often in movies a midnight snack involves cheeses?

I would like to be able to go to Murray’s cheeses after I get off work so I can enjoy Havarti cheeses without having to wake up with the raccoons! Ha! That was another joke? I like to make jokes so you know I still will shop at Murray’s cheeses no matter when you close? This isn’t supposed to be a letter where I’m complaining? Only making a suggestion?

Thank you for taking the time to read my request. I appreciate your existence in the world!

Sincerely,
Brian

This letter was sent on Saturday afternoon. Still no response! I will let you know when I hear from Murray’s Cheeses.

January 13, 2012

Mitt Romney’s Presidential Campaign Ruined Because He Spoke French Once

Newt Gingrich, self-proclaimed legitimate Presidential candidate, has been flexing his muscles in South Carolina by attacking the current Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney. It has proven difficult to attack Romney on the basis political platform and policy because frankly people don’t care about that. But there is one thing that Newt knows everyone in America cares about. Hating French people! And so Newt’s crack political team dug up a YouTube clip from nine years ago of Mitt Romney speaking French one time…Sacrebleu!

It’s a twist ending! Just like an M. Night Shyamalan movie it turns out Mitt Romney spoke French the entire time! There’s no way the American people would stand having a President who is bi-lingual. In fact we prefer Republican candidates who can barely speak one language. But if you’re going to speak two languages please let not the second one be French! The only thing more anti-American than speaking French is speaking MEXICAN!

After two distant fourth place finishes Newt has good reason to spend people’s money showing the world Romney spoke French one time. This transcends one man’s solid fourth place Presidential Primary campaign, this is about protecting the American way of life! Just like the way the French protected the American way of life when they allied with us in the Revolutionary War to defeat the British and thus allow this country to exist at all. Just like that!

November 18, 2011

You Can’t Stop Us Because We’re The Kids

How Occupying Foley Square was one of the most moving, impressive and ridiculous moments of my life


There were thousands of us occupying Foley Square. People were standing shoulder to shoulder listening (over a PA system) to the speeches, announcements and performances happening on a makeshift stage at the park’s south end. We were all waiting to march over the Brooklyn Bridge in defiance of what has been happening in our country.

We were supposed to march at 6PM. When the clock hit 5:59PM people started getting antsy. It was cold and windy. We were standing in a crowded square surrounded by police in riot gear listening to Occupy Wall Street organizers and supporters take the microphone and make the same points over and over again. Soon the restlessness turned into isolated yells of ‘Let us march already!’ and ‘Let’s Go!!!’

When things seemed like they could not get more trivial on that stage, they put on a hip-hop duo to rap their latest release I quote, ‘straight out of Brooklyn!’. This put the already restless crowd in a frenzy as half the people sat there in frustrated silence while the other half danced in confusion. (Full disclosure, the song was not bad, it was the timing).

Once the hip-hop duo finished their live debut people started chanting again, ‘Let’s March!’. Then things took a turn for the worse. A crazed Spaniard took the mic and started yelling in Spanish. No one could understand him because of his heavy accent and his propensity to drift from Spanish to English. After being given about three minutes to speak I could see protest organizers trying to wrestle the mic away but he had ‘won the crowd’ with his new catchphrase, ‘When do want it? Ahora!’ So as not to seem insensitive and racist all the white hipsters in the crowd (including myself) cheerily shouted ‘Ahora!’ in unison. I look at a group of four Hispanic women standing next to me and one of them says, ‘What is happening?’.

They finally wrestle the mic from the crazed Spaniard and now people are ready to go. It’s almost 6:15. Surely it’s time to march. Then the famed gospel choir who wrote the ‘We Are the 99%’ theme song took the stage. Looks like we’re not marching for a few more verses. The gospel went into their song (which is very catchy and you can see here) while people in the crowd listened politely. The white lady singing the lyrics to the song was very talented but had a tendency to go all Beyonce on the mic and cut loose with what had to have been the largest performance of her life. Once we reached the third verse the organizers started giving her the ‘wrap it up’ sign to which she promptly gave the ‘one minute’ sign. The rest of the song was basically a slap stick competition between the organizer and the singer to see who could be more pronounced in their signaling. Finally the song ended.

That’s it. They sang the theme song. The lady gave back the microphone. Now it’s time to march. But then out of no where a man who I can only describe as a person who looked like a fat Willem Defoe dressed in a reverend costume from Ricky’s pulled out his own microphone and yelled, ‘I am the reverend of this choir!’ and made a self-aggrandizing speech which sounded less like support for the movement and more like a three-minute stump speech on why he should be elected reverend of the universe. He closed his speech with a word he made up, ‘Let me hear a Revolujah!’ To which everyone yelled, ‘Revolluj-what did he say?’

See the Reverend at a different protest here.

After Rev. Defoe took his bows the people were pretty much done. Restlessness gripped the crowd and everyone started chanting in unision, ‘March! March! March!’ It was an overwhleming chant. Seemingly the one issue this varied crowd could fully agree on. And then the protest organizers delivered their secret weapon. Stepping up to the stage were three little kids. They were probably no older than eleven, probably younger. This, I’m sure, was an effort to pull at the heartstrings of humanity. Who wouldn’t support a group of cute little kids participating in democracy? This crowd, that’s who! So we all chanted, ‘March! March! March!’ over what I’m sure was a well-written speech that little girl and her parents worked really hard on.

It was sad. It was mean. But we were cold. We were angry. We were here to march. And we wanted it ‘Ahora!’. Then something incredible happened. The third of the little kids took the microphone and somehow yelled out over the chanting, ‘You can’t stop us! You know why!? Because we’re the kids!’ The crowd sat there in stunned silence. And suddenly everyone started cheering for the boy. The young kid looked over his now adoring supporters and said, ‘Mic off’. And we started marching.

Yes, a lot of what Occupy Wall Street is doing seems crazy. It’s a quirky movement to say the least. So why is it still around? With so much to ridicule and dismiss how is it that a reported 32,000 people still show up on a cold November night to stand in a crowd of strangers? Because we were made a promise. We were made a promise that growing up in America meant growing up in a world of justice. A world where people are treated fairly and with respect. A world that is not wrought with impossible barriers protecting the few and locking out the many. A world where people have a fair chance to live their lives in relative happiness and prosperity. A world where we take care of the sick, help our neighbors, and work towards creating a better tomorrow for ourselves and for our children. This is what we were promised. And this is what we are fighting for. This is an idea that a crazy Spaniard, a hip hop duo, a gospel choir, Willem Dafoe and 32,000 others can all agree is right and just. And you can’t stop us. Because we’re the kids.